“Just do your best…” (and why Neurotypicals think this is helpful!!!).
Sometimes people think they’re being kind and encouraging. You might be struggling at the enormity of a task ahead, feeing stuck and stressing like a goldfish in a piranha tank. A kindly neurotypical shows up and offers these four words of wisdom:
“Just do your best”
Wait- what? “Your best”! What presumptive neurotypical nonsense is this anyway?
“Best?” Does that mean digging deep and performing at 100% of our capacity? For the whole time? Every hour of every day of every week? Like you’re some sort of high performing vehicle? How exhausting!
But here’s the thing…the person dispensing this condescending codswallop doesn’t realise that neurodivergent people usually ARE doing their best! The reality is that autistic or AuDHDers or dyslexic/ dysgraphic usually show up doing their very best. Day after day…until they can’t anymore. And this toll it takes is enormous. Exhaustion is their constant companion.
Procrastination is real. But looks like procrastination in the autistic is actually a run-up. A very long run-up. A process in which they are marshalling everything at their disposal to go and give it their all. Trouble is, the longer the run-up, the more opportunity for negative talk to show up. Stuff like: “Last time I did something like this…that happened”/ “What if I do it wrong and have to start all over again?”/ “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do but nobody understands how to help me!” are the thoughts that hammer the brain. Which then holds the door open for shame to jump onboard, right on cue, ready to derail what motivation is already left. The run-up then might just flip into analysis paralysis. And we know how that ends.
And Mr or Ms Neurotypical thinks this “do your best” is encouragement! Does this mean they don’t recognize that the person is doing their “best” all. the. time?? Or that even the run-up is effortful?!?
Actually, no.
Remember…because Neurotypicals are hard-wired to say anything except what they actually mean - I will translate. “Just do your best,” does not mean 100% of peak capacity 100% of the time. It is actually a relative term. It leaves out the modifier: “…that you can do for now”. It’s neurotypical-speak for “I recognize that you’re at your limit and don’t expect more than what you can give at this moment.”
Wow!
It’s actually a suggestion to slow it all down and to be kind to yourself.
Shock, horror - a neurotypical dispensing helpful advice… But thanks to the language used it sounds, feel and smells like criticism!
So just smile politely and remember that neurotypicals do try to help. Well, some of them do.
Then go at your own pace. And maybe re-think the length of your run-up. The key to making things happen isn’t waiting for the perfect moment to start. It’s starting with what you have, where you are. Momentum builds through small, consistent action. Regardless of the task you’re about to launch into, progress comes from showing up.
So it wont be perfect, probably not “your best” but slow and steady, with a good dollop of self-compassion thrown in.
