Masking

We know how unhealthy masking is. We live through the exhaustion of it. Every day, our brains are continually making choices about our next steps. The constant fear of how we’re showing up and what criticism this opens us up to. And the ongoing monitoring of how we need to contribute to the situation, whether we are meeting expectations. Monitoring whatever comes out of our mouths. And then - wham- the shame overload that hits when we realize we’ve lost the thread. So why do we do it?

Masking happens whenever we are placed in a situation or doing something that was not our initial choice, our preference, our gut-led decision. In other words, a social situation with anyone except our closest and most trusted allies. It’s a protection against what we have endured from many uncaring neurotypicals.

Masking is based on interpretation of those many, many social rules. For example: when I just took the last piece of cake at a gathering, I got frowned at. So I learned that it's just not the “done thing”. So the next time I will smile and leave it there. Even though I am salivating for it.

Neurotypicals understand the rules. They know the script. If they want the last piece of cake they know what to say and how to say it….(“Oh does anyone want the last bit of cake here? No? Do you mind if I have it then?”) The neurotypical world understands this is a charade. All the other neurotypicals over 12 years of age in the room understand that the offer for that last delicious slice is fake. Nobody would then say “Actually, I’m going to have it,” in response and then grab it.

The person making the offer is staking their claim to the final piece, and the other Neurotypicals all know it.

But the rules are not as readily apparent to the Neurodivergents. They are left wondering if the last piece of cake is actually disgusting, judging by everyone shaking their heads and saying “No, you have it!”

So not knowing the rules puts the Neurodivergent at a disadvantage. They expend one heckuva greater amount of mental energy wondering what rule we just casually violated.

What makes it worse is… neurotypicals possess an instinct for the hidden message. This confers the added bonus of knowing when they can break the rules and get away with it. These lucky so-and-sos!

Here’s some definitions:

• Neurotypical rule breaking = "cheeky"/ "daring"/ or even "innovative". (“I’m actually going to take this last piece…how naughty am I?” and gobble it down - those lovable scamps!)

• Neurodivergent rule breaking = blundering fool, cant read the room, an embarrassment, inappropriate, mis-timing, tone deaf or even (if a joke goes wrong) cruel. 

So…back to masking. Masking happens when we understand that we are not tolerated for rule breaking in the way that neurotypicals are. We’re just not given the same grace. Masking means treating each interaction as a potential land mine that could explode, and treading very, very cautiously.

Masking is a protective strategy. Therefore, the choice to unmask is a daring one. Unmasking carries the risk of being judged harshly, putting people off, or being a laughing stock. Unmasking means taking the last piece of cake and refusing to engage in the silly rules. Unmasking also means refusing to be shamed after breaking the rules. But it can also be a huge relief to stop worrying and ruminating.

Unmasking means being kind to ourselves when we have broken a rule. It means recognising that neurotypical rules are multi-layered and complex and don’t come instinctively. It means being curious about the rules rather than scared. It means forgiving yourself and accepting that you wont always mesh nicely with neurotypicals. That you’ll be clunky and awkward and rapidly bored with conversations.

Try talking it over with a trusted person. “I sometimes make mistakes in social situations, but I am willing to learn about how I could do it differently next time. Please don’t hold it against me, I don’t mean to offend or upset anyone.”

Mask or unmask? Either option can be scary. In the end the decision should be based on the context - where you are and who you’re with. Where can you unmask without risk of losing your income? Who do you feel safe around? Who will accept you regardless of your social slip-ups. Where can you “own” your instincts?

You may never be able to unmask in every situation - but neither do neurotypicals. They mask to some extent, too. But think how much more relaxed you will be if you have more environments where that mask can slip off!